An open letter for a new beginning

Dear diary,

I don’t know where to begin, or what I should do, or how I should feel. Part of me wants to runaway, disappear for a few days, weeks, months even, but I suppose running from pain never solves the problem. I can’t help but think, why me, why do I have to experience this, it’s like my life was set up for heartache after heartache.
The happiest day of my life, turned into the worse and I’m lost. People and love surround me, but I’m lost. The saying ‘it’s better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all’ is playing around in my head, over and over. It’s like it’s stuck on a constant loop and I can’t turn it off - ‘it’s better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all’.
Life is a mysterious thing; some of us thrive through it, whilst others slog through day, after day. I think I’m somewhere in-between, but right now I’m in limbo.
Writing the word miscarriage is gut wrenching, writing the words two missed-miscarriages is soul destroying. I remember finding out we were having identical twins at our first scan, it was petrifying, but soon after the excitement took over. To think that not one, but two children are about to enter our lives and everything is about to change, and we're about to become parents. Wow, that's a scary thing! But I think the next part of that journey was something even more unexpected, something so hurtful you struggle to even process the thought. When I first heard those words 'your babies have no heartbeats', I thought she was talking to someone else. I remember not feeling anything, and then questioning whether what I was feeling was right. Was it wrong to not show any type of emotion? I still don't know whether I should hide away from the world, or just put on a brave face. To be honest, I'm still completely lost.
No one ever tells you how difficult it is to deal with a miscarriage, no one warns you about the soul destroying pain, or the ridiculous emotions of guilt and loss you have to deal with during and after. No one prepares you for the contractions, or what it’s like to look at their lifeless bodies, and those dreams and hopes you had for them are snatched in an instant. Doctors and nurses do as much as they can to support you through the process but what next? Where do you start, how do you start again?
It’s such a taboo subject isn’t it, even in 2017? We are afraid to utter the word and are fearful of talking about our own feelings. I suppose I’m a little like that. I find putting pen to paper is easier than openly talking to someone.
But a miscarriage is one of the most common things a woman can go through, yet we are still so unprepared. Many of us keep it in secret, ashamed or afraid to tell others of our experience, but why? I spent hours, upon hours, scouring the Internet for advice, just for someone to tell me it’s okay and it’s going to get easier; it helped, but I wish there was more, I need there to be more.
More answers, more questions, more support.
At the moment my mind keeps replaying everyday previous to this. What did I do wrong, was I eating correctly, did I take enough vitamins, was I exercising enough?  And I suppose that in life you can attempt to do everything properly, you can read leaflets and books, but something’s just aren’t meant to be. So maybe this is my new beginning. To have loved two beating hearts so unconditionally, is a feeling that has no words. It’s a feeling that will be with me for the rest of my life, and as the pictures fade, the memory will remain.
So, I suppose Dear Diary that this is my story, my new beginning.
Living everyday to the fullest is the only logical way for me to move forward. There isn't a point in looking back, and dwelling on what could have been, but don't get me wrong, everyone grieves their losses in their own way, and in their own time. This isn’t a woe is me scenario, but for me, this is the only way I know how to let go. I think I'm ready for my next step.

RIP my angels 25/09/2017

No comments: